It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

I’m not always okay.

It’s taken me a long time to feel comfortable saying those words in general, let alone in public. I wasn’t even going to post this, but I got to thinking (as I so often do). Since opening up about my depression about a year and a half ago, I’ve become more and more outspoken about taking care of yourself when you feel yourself slipping. Depression is a very slippery slope, and if you don’t grab on to every rock you can while going down that mountain, you’ll plummet to the bottom in the blink of an eye.

You have to grab every rock, every crevice, every edge that you can possibly reach. Even if you can’t reach it, you need to try. But sometimes . . . sometimes, you don’t even feel like trying. I’m not at that place–I’m trying, I swear to you–but that point sneaks up on you like a thief in the middle of the night. It blindsides you, hits you when you least expect it.

A key part of managing depression is being proactive, which is almost incomprehensible when you’re in the thick of things. This can vary from person to person: medication, regular exercise, staying away from certain foods (some foods are actually triggers for me), therapy, etc. One person may just need meds; another may need all of this, and then some.

I have a confession: I stopped taking my meds a while back. I know, I know–huge mistake. I did this under the supervision of a therapist, who agreed that with exercise, dietary changes, and proper sleep, I was thriving. Then, I stopped seeing my therapist–another huge mistake. For almost a year, I’ve been going at this alone. There have been ups and downs, and I just thought that hey, I’ve GOT THIS. Sleep. Eat. Exercise. Repeat.

Sleep. Eat. Exercise. Repeat.

Sleep. Eat. Exercise. Repeat.

…and then, those things weren’t enough anymore. A couple months ago, I started slipping again. I could feel it. That’s the good thing about accepting your depression: you’re more in tune with your warning signs. And mine were shining brighter than the freakin’ sun.

Step 1: Today, I saw my therapist for the first time in nearly a year. Step 2: Appointment with my doctor to discuss medication options. Step 3: Don’t try to go at this alone anymore.

Which brings me back to why I’m posting this. I talk a lot about seeking out the care you need, about taking care of yourself, about believing in yourself and in your story. For a while, I lost sight of that. But I’m trying. I’m really, really trying to be the Michelle that I know I can be.

I’m not always okay. But I will be.

 

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6 thoughts on “It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

  1. jamieayres says:

    We have to learn to be at peace with ourselves before we can do anything else. I pray for you tonight for a peace that surpasses all understanding, a serenity that fills your heart and calms the spirit. I’m glad you’re taking the steps to move forward. You can only do it if you find the steady place inside yourself from which to deal with life. Just remember: “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” 🙂 ❤

  2. Sarah (@SarahSaysSo24) says:

    I’ve only been to a therapist once, a terrible experience. But I can completely relate to the feeling of falling off the edge. I kind of just hang off the edge, never at the bottom but never on top. I’m glad to hear that you are taking steps to get well, that takes a lot of bravery.

    • Michelle says:

      Finding the right therapist can definitely be trying. I’m on my second, and I’ve been really lucky that she “gets” me. It can really take trial and error. Tons of hugs coming your way. ❤

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